Everybody Loves A Nut

EVERYBODY LOVES A NUT

(Jack Clement)

Everybody loves a nut the whole world loves a weirdo

Brains are in a rut but everybody loves a nut

[ piano ]

There was a hermit named Fred who kept the dead horse in his cave

And everyone said to Fred

Fred how come you keep a dead horse in your cave and he said well

(Everybody loves a nut the whole world loves a weirdo)

Brains are in a rut but everybody loves a nut

[ piano ]

A columbia man named Frank had a tiger named Hank

He tried to put Hank in his tank guess what happened to ol' Frank

When they picked up the teets there and eyeballs

And erected a tombstone that read

(Everybody loves a nut...

[ piano ]

Another Columbia fella told queen Isabella

I don't think the world is flat and now what do you think about that

And she said you don't and he said no ma'm

And she said he'd get out of my queendom and he said yes ma'm

(Everybody loves a nut...

Everybody loves a nut...

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ONE ON THE RIGHT WAS ON THE LEFT

(Jack Clement)

There once was a musical troop a pickin' singin' folk group

They sang the mountain ballads and the folk songs of our land

They were long on musical ability folks thought they would go far

But political incompatibility led to their downfall

Well the one on the right was on the left

And the one on the middle was on the right

And the one on the left was in the middle

And the guy in the rear was a methodist

[ guitar ]

This musical aggregation toured the entire nation

Singing traditinal ballads and the folk songs of our land

They performed with great virtuosity and soon they were the rage

But political animosity prevailed upon the stage

Well the one on the right was on the left

And the one on the middle was on the right

And the one on the left was in the middle

And the guy in the rear burned his driver's licence

[ guitar ]

When the curtain had ascended a hush fell on the crowd

As thousand there were gathered to hear the folk songs of our land

But they took their politics seriously and that night at the concert hall

As the audience watched deliriously they had a free for all

Well the one on the right was on the bottom

And the one on the middle was on the top

And the one on the left got a broken arm

And the guy on his rear said oh dear

[ guitar ]

Now this should be a lesson if you plan to start a folk group

Don't go mixing politics with the folk songs of our land

Just work on harmony and diction play your banjo well

And if you have politicial conviction keep 'em to yourself

Now the one on the left works in the bank

And the one on the middle drives a truck

The one on the right's an all night DJ

And the guy in the rear got drafted

**********

CUP OF COFFEE

(Jack Elliott)

[ yodel ]

Man it sure is good to hear you singin' and yodelin' and pickin' again Jack Elliot

I been drivin' haulin' load of grain all day long

Got about three more hundred miles to go

And well I just dropped in to have a cup of coffee friend

Yeah I just dropped in to have a cup of coffee friend

Don't you offer me none of that whiskey don't need no wine

Gotta get that semi down the line

Sure good to see you again Jack been a long time now

How's Flo you still married to old Flo ain't you ha ha ha

Well just coffee thank you thank you very much

Whoa whoa well well it will cool it down a little bit what is it man

D'you make it yourself I like to hear you yodel

Just dropped in to have a cup of coffee friend

[ yodel ]

Sound good on that man that's the best part right there hope we ain't wakin' up Flo

Hey Flo old Flo she's a good 'un boy no I didn't mean nothin'

I just you know I knew Flo a long time ago we went to school together you know

Well I just dropped in to have a cup of coffee friend

Yeah dropped in to have a cup of coffee friend

In don't in the glass you gonna pour it in the glass whoa whoa whoa that's enough

Man put ice in and it's gonna run over whoa whoa

Man you got it all over the tablecloth makin' that stuff yourself

If that's what makes you yodel it's good to me

Just dropped in to have a cup of coffee friend

Dropped in to have a cup of coffee friend

Don't give me none of your liquor I don't want no wine

Gotta get that semi down the line I gotta haul a load of grain

Bout three hundred more miles I gotta get up and get out of here

If I can just find my cat my hat get outa here cat darn cat

No that's alright I can make it I can make it

I can make it alright mama say I can make it leave me alone

Whoa stepped right in her flowerbed oh she gonna raise cain tomorrow

Where's my truck at cause I thought I had it cross the street

Or on this side of the street alright you got an extra room

She won't mind okay you sure now put the blanket down around my feet

Get me up by six o'clock cause I don't want Flo catch me sleepin' in here

Boy she can flat raise your nose ha ha just let my arms hang loose

Warm as I can be I wants just to get me up about eight o'clock

And I'll have a cup of coffee cause you know Flo too

Yeah just dropped in to have a cup of coffee friend

Jack yodel for me one more time fore I go to sleep

[ yodel ]

I sure like to hear you yodel Jack Elliot

**********

BUG THAT TRIED TO CRAWL AROUND THE WORLD

(J.R. Hall)

Now you've heard of folks with a lot of ambition

But I believe just about the biggest case of ambition I ever saw

Was in a bug that I saw crawlin' along the beach one day

He was a mighty ambitious bug

On the beach one early mornin' as a day was newly dawnin'

And the sun again was warmin' all the chill thru'out the land

I saw me a bug a walkin' and at first I thought he was quakin'

Then I found out he was talkin' while he crawled across the sand

He was crawlin' mighty straight at a slow but a steady gait

And when I asked him to wait he said oh come on crawl with me

But I said where you goin' and he said you'll be knowin'

For I'm gonna make a showin' and you'll someday see

Well I stood there by the ocean I suddenly had the notion

That I start this big promotion so this challenge I enfirled said the bug

So I gave my wife a hug and I left my confy rug

So I could be the only bug that ever crawled around the world

Well he seemed mighty small and it was a long way to crawl

And I'm sure he couldn't swim at all so I try to discourage my friend

I said you know the world is round and there's mighty lotta ground

And there some water to be found before you reach your journey's end

And he said now don't you fret there's problems to be met

But I'll make it you can bet and this deed will bring glory to my name

You know they said man would never fly now he's soarin' in the sky

Cause he had the will to try so let me win my fame

So he crawled on out of sight as he sought that splendoured height

Neither lookin' left nor right but slowly marchin' toward his goal

And my knowin' he had started on his journey as we parted

Kept me from feelin' too down hearted for he was a mighty ambitious soul

Well I've looked everywhere I've been and seen a lotta bugs since then

But not one quite like my little friend when I think of him I'm filled with pride

Did he make it I don't know he was crawlin' mighty slow and he had a long way to go

And all I can tell you folks is that he tried he sure was an ambitious bug

**********

SINGING STAR'S QUEEN

(Waylon Jennings - Bill Mack)

Twinkle twinkle little star who's the greatest star what are (Waylon)

[ piano - ac.guitar ]

Now Waylon is a singer a record sellin' star the ladies love him and his band

Oh he sings like a bird and he plays a fine guitar

But I doubt that he's a home lovin' man

You oughta see his woman she's really a queen he buys her the finest of clothes

For you talk about beauties like none you ain't seen

When Waylon's gone she lets me know

When he's gone a singing I'm gone with his queen spreadin' his money around

But if you'll look for me and I can't be seen you'll know that Waylon's back in town

[ piano - ac.guitar ]

When Waylon's gone a singing I'm wearin' his suit I smoke his imported cigars

I like his woman wear out his boots I chauffeur his limousine cars

When he's making money he has to stay gone but if you should hear that he's around

Go buy his latest record or go see his show help me keep ol' Waylon out of town

When Waylon's out singing I'm gone with his queen...

Starkle starkle little twink Waylon's the greatest star I think

Bring him to your town join his fan club the journal you get the journal every year

A dollar is about all is costs don't you dare miss it come see Waylon

**********

AUSTIN PRISON

(Johnny Cash)

They had a warrant out for me all over the country

And I was trying to beat the raps in Idaho

I was breaking into a schoolhouse Sunday morning without warning

When I saw the sheriff coming for me slow from down below

His steel grey eyes were blazing when he saw me

His hand was on his gun when he rode up

He said you killed that woman I know you shot her why'd you do it

I'm taking you to Austin then I'm gonna lock you up

Well he tied me with a plow line the next morning

And he had me deep in Texas the next day

A crazy screaming lynch mob waited in the streets of Austin

But he put me in the jailhouse and he threw the key away

[ guitar ]

A jury found me guilty three months later twelve evil men with murder in their eyes

They even took me out and said now show us where you killed her

And that wicked judge said now I here by sentence you to die

But here I am far away from Austin prison my friend the jailer handed me a file

Now all I want between me and there are a lot of friendly people

And miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles

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DIRTY OLD EGG-SUCKING DOG

(Jack Clement)

Well he's not very handsome to look at aw he's shaggy and he eats like a hog

And he's always killin' my chickens that dirty old egg-sucking dog

Egg-sucking dog I'm gonna stamp your head in the ground

If you don't stay out of my henhouse you dirty old egg-sucking hound

Now if he don't stop eatin' my eggs up though I'm not a real bad guy

I'm goin' to take my rifle and send him to that great chicken house in the sky

Egg-sucking dog you're always a hangin' around

But you better stay out of my henhouse you dirty old egg-sucking hound

**********

TAKE ME HOME

(Jack Clement - Allen Reynolds)

Well I've been from Boston to LA seen Boulder Dam and Frisco Bay

I seen New York City and Washington

Seen Montreal and Saskatchewan and Rhode Island

And I've worked in three all night service stations and I drove a truck

Take me home my heart is heavy and my feet are sore

Take me home I don't wanna roam no more

Well I slept all night in a water trough

Had the flu and the croup and the whoopin' cough

Had the mumps and the measles and the seven years itch

And I can't count the times that I've had a cold and a sore throat

Not to mention all the times that I cut my fingers on a sardine can

Take me home my heart is heavy...

Well I can just see 'em all now just a gatherin' round

Mama's supper table when the sun goes down

And my good old pappy when the blessing is said

Fillin' up his plate with black eyed peas and all that stuff and side meat

And a great big hunk of my dear sweet mama's hot buttered cornbread

Take me home my heart is heavy...

**********

PLEASE DON'T PLAY RED RIVER VALLEY

(Johnny Cash)

Well I see you got yourself a brand new harmonica

Mail ordered from the Steagal's catalogue

Boy I hope you can learn to play it like Lonnie Glossom

And while you added you to oughta learn a verse or two

Of Red River Valley Oh My Darling Clementine or Salty Dog

Oh but please don't play Red River Valley

And how about Polly Wolly doodle all day and see

You know the only song I ever learned to play on my 2 dollar and 98 cent harmonica

That I got from Wayne Raney in Clint Texas

C-L-I-N-T Clint Texas was Red River Valley

Then she said farewell to my french harp and me

[ harmonica ]

Well I see you're doin' pretty good on your new harmonica

But don't you think you oughta learn about one more tune you know

See you hold it like you's gonna eat a handful of popcorn

And sometime you suck in and sometimes you blow

But friend now please don't play Red River Valley

And how about Polly Wolly doodle all day

Like I said the only song I ever learnd

On my 2 dollar and 98 cent harmonica that I got from Clint Texas

From Wayne Raney in Clint Texas was Red River Valley

Oh then she said farewell to my french harp and me

**********

10.

BOA CONSTRICTOR

(Shel Silverstein)

I'm getting swallowed by a Boa Constrictor

By a Boa Constrictor by a Boa Constrictor

I'm getting swallowed by a Boa Constrictor and I don't like snakes one bit

What do you know he's swallowed my toe oh gee he's up to my knee

Oh my he's up to my thigh oh yummy he's up to my tummy

Oh fiddle he's up to my middle oh glum he's mashing my lungs

Now look here snake I don't look good with this long tail on me

It's all about I can say sneak except give me a break sneak

My torso's cold and it's startin' to mould Boa Constrictor how much can you hold

Oh yes he's up to my chest oh heck he's up to my neck

Nearly all in he's up to my chin oh dread he's swallowed my...excuse me

**********

11.

JOE BEAN

(Bud Freeman - Leon Pober)

Well they're hangin' Joe Bean this mornin' for killin' a man in Arkansas

Funny thing about it Joe Bean never even heard of the man

In fact Joe Bean never has been to Arkansas

And to top that all today is Joe Bean's 20th birthday

See where the gallows stand Joe Bean see where the gallows stand

Just twenty short years from the day you were born you'll die by the hangman's hand

They're hangin' Joe Bean this mornin' for a shootin' that he never did

He killed twenty men by the time he was ten he was an unruly kid

But they're hangin' Joe Bean for the one shootin' that he never did

See through the prison bars Joe Bean see where the gallows stand

Just twenty short years from the day you were born you'll die by the hangman's hand

Well your mother's in capitol city asking Governor Simms for a stay

And it's really hard on her cause she knows

Where you were on that particular day

You were workin' Joe Bean hard workin' robbing the Santa Fe

Well the telegraph wires're hummin' hear the Governor's words come through

I can't set you free cause it's not up to me but this much Joe Bean I'll do

I'll join your mother in extending birthday greetings to you

Happy birthday Joe Bean happy birthday Joe Bean

Happy birthday dear Joe happy birthday to you

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